21 Years Ago – I Still Love You,Michael

Goodbye My love –Written in 2001

Since the passing of his soul to the heavenly place above

I have not allowed my soul to seek the grace of another

Until he walked through the gates of my heart to touch my hand and feel the grace of his love

A love that which was never to be felt because he would never know it existed.

He would never feel the gentle caress of my heart upon his

He would never know the tears I’ve shed dreaming of the moment in his arms that would release the very essence of my spirit

He would never again feel the laughter I shared with only him that should that only he could bring to my mind

He would never know that my once dying heart had rekindled a love so abiding that I must protect myself at all costs or perish until my dying day

In the arms of another,I will learn to let him go to be himself that which I can not allow into my life

In the strong virile arms of another,I will know passion but never will my soul rejoice on the moment of love again

With the unknown stranger,I will live out my destiny denying the heart its golden dream

The love he will never know existed.

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Michael has been gone for 21 years today.   I miss him still.  I love him still.  Over the years,many have asked if you still continue to love those who pass.  I’m here to tell you that you do.  The memories are good and sometimes they are sad.

At times,over the years I have felt guilty for being alive.  I have wanted him back so desperately as you can tell in the poem above written in 2001 upon on the anniversary of his death.  Some memories come from seeing someone that he is related to such as this remark in my diary from 1992:

I went to see Doug today.  I haven’t seen him in such a long time almost since Michael died.  He reminds me so much of Michael I mean he was the brother that really took care of Michael–and Michael saw him a lot while he was alive.  When Michael was young he lived with Doug and Marie for a while and I know that he really cares about him.  Doug talked to me about how the system worked against them because of Michael’s diabetes and I thought how awful that must have been for an eight year old little boy to be taken away from his family because he was ill.  Doug told me that they had to take him back every Sunday night and they could pick up on Friday night.  He told me that Michael would start crying as soon as a show came on because he knew he had to go back.  His mannerism is pretty close to what Michaels were and it hurts me to see him.  I love Michael so much why can’t anyone realize that?  I don’t want to just forget him I want him back so much.  I keep wanting to be with him.

Then there are moments that are so bittersweet when I think about them.  Like how he would tell me “he loved me more than I loved him.”  So wide.  Or the determination of a young 23 year old who lost the only man she had ever loved fight to have just one song played at his funeral,“Freebird.”  To this day my father can’t listen to that song.  It makes me cry.

Michael,I love you.  You are not forgotten.  I still feel your loving place beside me as my guardian angel.

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To those who have lost,remember you will see them again some day.