Jason is having a hard time with school. It’s the beginning of the year. He doesn’t know his teacher. There are new classmates for him to figure out. He has RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). He tries to fool everyone when he first meets them. He wants them to like him but… He doesn’t want them to as well.
Jason will be good in school right now. He will do his best to contain himself. He doesn’t want to let others see him for who he is.
This weekend was Jason’s time to be himself. Off the charts screaming tantrums occurred. I finally figured it out… my head phones are a Godsend. I can put his screaming out of my head by listening to something else. Yes, it means that I tune out a lot of things but I can’t handle his screaming anymore.
He was upstairs screaming “I hate myself.” “I hate what I do.”
I talked to him about the statements a few times but that doesn’t stop him when he’s in full mode. I ask him what that means. He can’t explain. It’s just how he feels.
God, I so wish that I could take his pain away. Jason is a high performing autistic child. I’ve had people tell me they were always wondering if being high performing was better than low performing. What I’ve realized is that being high performing means that you are aware that you are different. You want to fit in but you can’t. At least in Jason’s case, that’s it.
He doesn’t get seem to get upset about having no friends until he sees Faith with hers. Then he realizes that something is different about him.
He’s intelligent enough to know that he’s different. But he can’t do anything about it since he does have autism. It’s not going to go away. Sometimes I wish it would for his sake.
I’ve gotten a lot calmer lately. I’m learning Jason’s reactions to things. I knew that I would have these screaming tantrums because of what we call his “honeymoon” stage at school. He has to release his frustration somewhere. It will definitely be where he feels safe. His safety net is here…me.
My son sees things with such a different perspective than you and me. It’s amazing and yet the challenges that he faces are extreme as well.
He is my Godsend. He is my blessing just as much as Faith is.