When we adopted both children, we chose to keep the adoption open.  We believe and still believe that the kids knowing where they come from is essential to their well-being.  If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I basically was involved in our kids’ birth mother from the time that she was 3 years old.  She was my first husband’s foster care niece so to speak.  That was never made legal.  The foster care that is.  Michael, my first husband, lived with her grandparents for many years before we got married.

This week has been a sad time for us…

You see, open adoption does equal more love.  But it is double the heartaches too.  Double the fights.  Double the losses as well.   Doubles the hugs.  Its double the good times as well though.  So its definitely worth it.

Their biological great grandmother passed away on Saturday morning at 1 a.m.  She lived a long life.  She had all her family around her except for the great grand kids, I believe.  She was ready to go to see her husband who she hadn’t seen for years.

But that leaves my kids down one great grandmother.  I knew her for over 27 years.  Can you imagine?  I knew this precious lady more than some of you have been alive.  She gave everything to her family.  She took care of them.  She loved them and they all will miss her dearly.  Although I only saw her once in a while..

I love you Doris and we will miss you.   Your legacy does live on in your family.

One of the hardest things that an infertile mommy waits for is the word “mommy”. We watch our friends and family get pregnant at the drop of a pin. We go to baby showers wishing that we didn’t have to. We hear people ask constantly, “when will you be having yours?” or “It will happen.” Those questions hurt us.

Some of us go through the most embarrassing experiences of our lives. Really think about it. Who wants someone inspecting their eggs or their husband’s sperm? Who wants someone to know if your sperm count is down? Or if it is your fault that you can’t have children? It’s unbearable to think that because of you, your spouse may not enjoy that special moment as well.

I almost did not marry my husband for that reason. He told me that we could adopt. I have to tell you that you think that is like flying to mars. You won’t meet up to the states requirements. You could have a perfect record in everything (financial and career-wise). So why risk a relationship that is doomed to fail because your spouse will eventually want a child? It might not. You could be very happy together thats true. But it could in today’s world of speedy divorce.

I was so fortunate to be blessed with my daughter and son. I was so lucky to be able to adopt them.

Ok so yesterday I had a question posed about my profile about what job I loved and gave up to come home to be with my family.  I decided to do a walk down memory lane post.  Its a good day to do it since its Sunday and such a blessing of a day.  It’s raining out and my thoughts are turning to old past times.

I have one sister and three brothers that I love dearly.  My parents are both still living.  I thank God for that each and every day.  My heart goes out to anyone that has lost a parent.  I grew up in a very dysfunctional family so hey that might be why I am who I am.  But I’m much more complicated than that.

Early on in life, I met the man of my dreams, Michael. Michael was a wonderful man.  I lived through so very much with him.  I watched someone die from diabetes.  Back in that time, diabetes was not understood at all.  I remember firing doctors because they would literally ask my husband what to do when he was sick.  Yes that makes sense lets ask a man that is in a delirious state.  One of the reason that you hear me constantly tell you to trust your instincts when your little one is sick.

Did I ever mention that I’m a grandma?  I doubt it.  You see when Michael passed away his daughter’s mother decided it was best that I not be involved in her life anymore.  I respected that wish.  How could I not?  It wasn’t until she was 18 years old that I did approach her again.  My heart believed that she deserved to know a little about her father.   Now here is something that I have never talked about.  You see, when I met with Christie, I found out that she always worried about her father.  She worried about if he was saved.  Something that I know he was.  She worried because no one ever allowed her to speak of him.  She wasn’t allowed to talk about what she remembered so the memories faded.  I was handing her back a photo album with all of his pictures.  Today I miss that album.  There were such memories of who he was in it.  But I hold his memory in my heart.  He was the first person that taught me to love unconditionally.  He was my blessing.  My angel on earth.  And now he is my guardian angel.  The thing was when she came to meet me.  She brought her family.  Her husband.  And my little grand daughter.  I cried when I saw her.  You see her child looks exactly like she did.  So much of my precious Michael was in her.  I don’t see them now but they are always in my heart.  Christie didn’t know me.  How could I expect her to include me now?  I still mourn him though.  The love is always there.

Ok so while I was with Michael, I was also suffering with endometrosis.  And that story could go on and on.. so go here and here for that information.  Long story short I ended up not being able to have children before I was 23 years old which was when my love, Michael, passed away.  I spent 10 years mourning him severely.  Oh I dated a lot of men.  They’d want to get close I’d back up and say see ya.  I had 2 dates in one day.  I’m not bragging here.  It’s just that when you are in this stage you don’t really think.  You try to hide your feelings.  I did.  And I did it well.

During all this time, I continued working as a Administrator.  I was good at my job and I loved it.  I didn’t want anything else.  You see, when you know that kids are not a possibility in your life.  You don’t think about getting married.  You don’t think about having a family.  You don’t think about it because it hurts to know that you aren’t capable of doing so.  Instead you become goal driven career minded.  Or so I believed.  I volunteered during those years for various organizations, such as:  Jaycees (Junior Chamber of Commerce), American Red Cross, March of Dimes, Tall Stacks, hospitals, schools, literacy organizations, etc.  Before you start saying I’m so good.  That’s not true.  I did it for the feeling that I got as a volunteer.  It is an amazing feeling.  If you haven’t given of yourself freely please consider volunteering.

I turned to my sister’s kids for my maternal instincts.  I took them to Kings Island and various other locations.  We made a gingerbread house every year so that my sister could go shopping.  Its not that I didn’t want to adopt at this point.  Its that I did not want to inflict my problems on someone else.  I spoiled her kids as if they were my own.  I always went home feeling empty.  I hated going to any baby shower.  I tried not to tell anyone how I felt.

My job was going great.  I had the looks of going to the top of the chain.  I was working for Great American Financial Resources when I met my husband, Ken. I was moving up in the ladder at work and here was this good looking younger man who was interested in me.  We had a lot of fun.  Honestly I never dreamed I would end up being married to him.  I still remember my thoughts “wow he’s a great guy.  We can have some fun until he decides he wants to get married and have kids.”  Nearly didn’t marry him for exactly the same reason.  I wanted him to be able to have kids.

How was I ever suppose to know that we would end up having two children?  Well as it turns out Pumpkin came along eight months after we got married.  I adopted her as a step mother adoption. We were fine financially until Pumpkin became ill.  We couldn’t keep her well.  She was sick all of the time.  I love Pumpkin with my entire heart.  I don’t believe that I could be a better mother if I had been able to carry her myself.

OOps have to run..hope you enjoy it.  Oh I forgot if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

While I was sick Menopausal New Mom was kind enough to tag me as a Theta Mom (The True, Authentic Mom). Menopausal New Mom shared with us why she thought she was a Theta Mom so please check out her post here. I want you to know that I was very touched by her request. I’m supposed to share five reasons that I believe have shaped me into a Theta Mom.
Here they are:

1.  When Pumpkin was 12 months old, she began to get sick and stayed sick. I was literally terrified. My precious little baby was capable of having hand, foot and mouth, strep throat and ear infection at the same time and act like it was an every day occurrence. Did I accept the doctors telling me it was normal? No, I did not because there was something wrong with my baby. I wanted to solve the issue. We realized that she couldn’t stay in preschool with her being so ill. I chose to stop working outside the house and come home. I didn’t work for over two years as we fought to make her better. She had her adenoids, tonsils, and tubes removed by the time she was 18 months old. She saw top specialists. She had more blood work and tests than you can imagine. Still I didn’t stop.

My baby girl was almost 2 years old before she weighed 20 lbs. We were told that she probably had cystic fibrosis. Let me tell you hearing those words were like a cut to our hearts. I was so upset but then I kicked myself in the butt and said get up and find a way. I did my research on the internet. None of it was good but I was determined that my daughter would live a happy normal life. We would just change things to accommodate the illness. The illness would not be her life. It would simply be part of it. The doctors were wrong. She did not have it. She had a very bad immune system which really wasn’t surprising since her biological mother did not tell good care of herself while she was pregnant. We fought for several years with her health. But today she is a healthy seven year old girl. She is rarely sick. During her illness, Pumpkin barely spoke. While she was sick, she would bang her head against the wall. We tried to stop her whenever we saw it. But we knew something was wrong because of it. It was so frustrating for me to see her frustration by it. I just wanted her to be able to communicate with me. By the time she was 2 years old, she spoke 10 words. She now suffers from a speech issues but we are working on that as well.

2. I carry a backpack with me as a purse so that I am always prepared. In the backpack, I have toys, crayons, paper, coloring book, snacks, drinks, and wipes. I used to try to carry a book or magazine with me but I never got to look at it. I stopped carrying them because I would want to look at it and my job was to entertain the kids. Period. I take an extra suitcase on vacation full of toys. It is so much fun packing for them on trips. Ok I have all their clothes ready. Now how many toys do we pack away?

3. I tried to maintain that relationship with their birth mother. I had known Marsha since she was 4 years old. I watched her grow up. I loved her as much as if she was my own during those years. She was the first child that I attached myself to when I found out that I would not be able to have kids. So you can see how hard it would be to walk away from her. You see, Marsha was willing to see Pumpkin only when she could show her off to her newest boyfriend. Marsha was not stable enough for me to have around the kids. She was getting into drugs and the wrong people. I could not provide a stable environment with her in it. She would call to talk with me about this and that but never bring up Pumpkin. So being Pumpkin’s mother first, I chose to stop any communication. She has never called since. I still miss her today. But for the safety of Pumpkin, I removed her involvement in our lives.

At one point, I was going to her Myspace and her aunt’s Myspace to get pictures of their siblings. Monkeyboy included. We found out about Monkeyboy going into foster care through the aunt’s Myspace. She was begging for people to call and tell foster care that it was wrong. I didn’t think twice about calling to tell them that if Monkeyboy was not returned to the aunt that we would take him. I thought of Pumpkin’s and Monkeyboy’s well being first. They were my first priority. I didn’t think about what my husband would say. I didn’t think about how this would affect my family’s financials. I simply thought about how this would affect Pumpkin (an ultimately Monkeyboy) if we did not try to get her brother out of foster care. If we let him fall into the system, I knew in my heart that Pumpkin would wonder why we had not tried to get him. I knew that Pumpkin would look for him for the rest of her life. So we went after him.

Getting Monkeyboy from foster care means that I had to change my entire life again. I had to quit working from home. He needed that extra attention. And as a busy little toddler he was so very active. There was no way I could work.

4. I can honestly say that I’m not a typical mother but then maybe I am. Maybe people just need to realize that motherhood has changed. I make mistakes. I laugh at them. I learn from them but I make them. For instance: when Pumpkin was 2 years old, we decorated her room. We allowed her to do some of the decorating with us. We decked her room out. I came up with a design in my head for the room. She was going to have a tea area in the park. Some place for a little girl to feel like a princess. We put down tiles on the floor to represent the tiles you would find outside. We painted the ceiling deep blue for the sky. We painted the main parts of the wall a light pink. We painted the trim green for grass. And then we went about drawing flowers and butterflies. Now here’s where we goofed, we allowed Pumpkin to put her hands and feet into the paint for prints on the wall. To this day, Pumpkin still tries to paint her walls every chance she gets. It doesn’t matter how many times we tell her she’s not suppose to do it. My husband had out filler which is what you use to fill holes in your walls. He left for 5 minutes. I do mean 5 minutes. She got into and put it all over her walls in that amount of time.

I am always learning something new that is best for my kids. I am always willing to share that information as well. Here as well as in stores I found out today. Motherhood is not cut and dry. Things are always changing and we must change with the time. The more I am a mommy the more that I realize how very blessed I am. There is nothing more rewarding to me than watching my children grows. I often wonder what they will be when they grow up. I’m always telling them that they can be anything they want to be. My kids have taught me things as well. They’ve taught me to be patient. They’ve taught me to look at the smallest things in life and enjoy them. They’ve taught me to cherish my inner child. They’ve taught me that my family is more important than anything that I could ever buy. I knew that before just not as firmly as I do now.

I have realized that being a mother doesn’t mean I have to live by someone else’s way it has to work for us. So if I feed my kids’ cereal at dinner, that’s all right by me. I’ve started new traditions with them. I have fun with my kids. I put them first. I do allow them to watch cartoons. I allow them to be a kid. I play with my kids. I get down on the floor and color with them. We play games. I read them books at night. We say our prayers together. 

5. I go out of my way not to teach my children fear. We decided early on not to teach them fear. You see, my husband’s sister is terrified of everything. She’s scared of going into her own basement. She’s scared of dogs. She’s scared of rain storms. As the kids have gotten older, I realized how easy it was to teach fear. We were going to the park. I asked the neighborhood girl to go with us. Pumpkin was jumping from one bench to the other. I was watching as a normal mommy would do. I was holding my breath because I knew that she could fall and get hurt. It’s the hardest thing I ever had to do. When all of a sudden, the neighborhood girl grabbed her and said, “No, don’t do that! You’ll get hurt.” She would never try again after that. She was taught to fear something. We never let on if we are scared of something. I’m terrified of spiders. The kids are not aware of that.

These are just a few of the reasons that I think I am a Theta Mom.  So am I?  The only thing that I can tell you is that I believe that I am doing what is best for my children.  Thats all that matters to me.

I would like to tag all of my readers. Even if you aren’t a mother, tell us what you think one is. Please let me know when you do so. I want to learn about you as well.

It’s pretty late tonight. But the question comes back up into my mind that I have so often wondered about. Would my husband have chosen to adopt Monkeyboy if I hadn’t wanted to? I was the one that found out about him on the Myspace of his biological aunts. I was the one that checked with Children Services to see if anyone wanted him. I saw the answer to a prayer. I couldn’t help but think that my husband had to want a boy to carry on his name. I couldn’t forget the prayer that his father had before he died.

Ken’s dad had cancer in the later stages when we got married. We knew shortly after that Pumpkin was coming. We knew she was a girl. I always thought that her biological mother was going to change her mind. That she just wanted Ken to pay child support and she would raise her. I lived in fear for seven months as we waited for her to be born. At the same time, I lived in this fairyland thinking I was finally going to have a child of my own. Yes, I knew that she would not be mine biologically. But I promised myself that I would treat her no different than I would my own. Now I don’t know how I would treat my own so I don’t know how I could make that promise.

One day when Ken’s dad was getting sicker, he was delirious. He looked at me and said that I was pregnant with his grandson. He started crying and saying I had to be pregnant with his grandson. Kenny had to carry on the family name. First off, I didn’t blame him. He wasn’t in his right mind. But it took me down to the quick. It was like getting a knife in my heart from someone I loved. Ken’s father was a gentle kind man. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me but he did. I promised at that moment that some how we would adopt a little boy. Ken’s dad passed away shortly after Thanksgiving. Two months after Pumpkin was born. He loved our daughter. I know that with all that I am.

It was one of the driving factors when I found out that Monkeyboy was in foster care. But it definitely was not the only one. I worried about Pumpkin’s well being when she got older and found out that she had a brother out there somewhere in the world. Would she be able to accept that we didn’t even try to get him? Could we keep that he was out there in the world a secret?

My husband told me that he was happy just with Pumpkin. It was my decision. A fact that he reminds me all the time if money is short or Monkeyboy is acting up. Would he have gone after Monkeyboy if I hadn’t been in the picture? Honestly, I don’t think he would have. I think he would have let it go. I think he would have said that it wasn’t his responsibility. Now that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t totally accept and love Monkeyboy. He does. Just that if we could go back in time and I wasn’t there, he would not have made the same decision.

I’m a very very lucky woman. You see, my husband supports me no matter what. I do him as well.

We called a wonderful lawyer named Stephanie and began to the process. The process was relatively easy for adopting a step child. Marsha had to have a lawyer to go over her rights. She signed over all her legal rights to me. She acknowledged that she thought that I would be a good mother to Pumpkin. Then my husband had to see an attorney of his own. He wasn’t allowed to use mine since it was a conflict of interest. The lawyer explained that he didn’t have to do it. Basically, they want to be sure that everyone agrees to the adoption.

The final part was a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) for Pumpkin. “Since minor children cannot make legal decisions for themselves, nor bind themselves legally to any contractual obligations, in any legal proceeding where the legal interests of a child and the legal interests of its parents are considered to be adverse or in conflict with each other, a guardian ad litem will be appointed for the child by the court to provide an independent adult to act on behalf of the child in the legal proceeding, and to make certain that the interests and legal rights of the child are given adequate consideration and are adequately protected in that process. The legal protective status of a guardian ad litem will exist only within the confines of the particular court case in which the appointment was made.” Found at http://glossary.adoption.com/guardian-ad-litem.html.

This process took about six months simply for paperwork. It was a very easy process.

Today since its Sunday. My thoughts have turned to my blessings. I am so lucky to have what I have in my life. When I was 18 years old, I had to be rushed into the emergency room. That was the beginning of the endometrosis cycle that I call it that lead to my infertility. I was married to a wonderful man named Michael when I turned 18 years old. His life was very short but I was blessed to have known him. He taught me how important life really is. He never complained. He always asked people how they were. Never once telling them just how badly he felt. I learned unconditional love through him. He loved everyone and enjoyed his life. He taught me to value all of the special moments in life.

Then when I was 23 years old, I had my hysterectomy. I remember crying and thinking that I would never have any kids. If I had only known what today would hold. For the next 9 years, I dated off and on. Different people. Never really thought much of it. I mean why get married since I couldn’t have kids. I mourned Michael during that time as well.

The fateful night came that I was at a friend’s house when my future husband walked in. I thought he was fun. He was 11 years younger than me. And that meant he was going to be a playmate not a future for me. Well low and behold, I ended up married to him. Except not before we almost split right before the marriage. And he being a man and thinking it was over turned to a close friend of mine. Now I had practically helped raise her during the years with Michael so it was a shock to me. Well it was a one night thing so they both have told me.

So the wedding plans were back on. She calls him to tell him that she is pregnant and if he doesn’t want the baby she will abort it. Well, my prayers were answered. How could I say no and there was no way that he could. We ended up with our daughter, Pumpkin, 8 months after we got married. So here I am 38 years old and a brand new mommy to a brand new baby. We brought her home from the hospital. I still can’t believe how that worked out.

I went through the process in the court system to make her legally mine. The process is called step-parent adoption. Basically, we had to have three lawyers. One to protect my rights, One to protect my husband’s rights and one to protect her biological mom’s rights. Then Pumpkin had to have a GAL (Guardian Attorney Litem) basically someone to protect her rights as well. Someone has to speak to the welfare of the child as well. She became legally mine.

We were going along life just having fun when we found out that Pumpkin’s biological mom had another child, Monkeyboy. He was now in foster care which I found out by looking at Pumpkin’s biological aunt’s Myspace. I can’t believe that someone would put that on a Myspace but they did. Apparently, her mom gave him to his aunt when he was one month old. Her aunt had him until he was 2 1/2 years old. Thats when the court system stepped in and took him away from his aunt. Now he was in foster care. So we stepped up to begin the process of adopting him through foster care. I will talk about that later on.

Ok so now I have two wonderful children, Monkeyboy and Pumpkin. They are biological half sister and brother. So they look alike. How lucky can I get. My husband and I are blessed.

Today I watched the kids simply play. Every day I wonder how they can be so close today as if they were never seperated. For those that don’t know, Pumpkin is my husband’s daughter. Monkeyboy, on the other hand, is Pumpkin’s half brother who we adopted through foster care. Its amazing to see them together. Like they were always together. Siblings are simply siblings.